Guilty Hearts Beat

I slowly grew legs.

It was always hard to do.

To wake up and do the things

That needed to be done.

I didn’t know back then,

This is a type of fear.

To want most desperately to leave,

But stay

instead.

Year by year I clawed my out,

Climbed out of the hole

And slowly made my way,

It took years to function again,

To feel like myself,

& believe I could win.

The lessons were brutal,

but part of it all,

And I experienced a great healing,

Until….

It happened again,

Same symptoms after,

Replayed,

My legs chopped off,

In a most clever way.

Because the first summit was unbearably hard,

I couldn’t believe I had fallen way down,

This time I knew,

There was no guarantees,

If I got back up,

Could it ever be?

Or would I get caught,

Guilty for being alive,

Being born,

Caught living my life.

For trying to grow strong,

And being different was wrong.

To question your lies,

To hit ground zero,

Where now you can really try.

This time my soul was cracked,

I saw no fixing that.

So I decided to stay down,

And live as I please.

And I began to wonder,

What you see in all those things.